steph goes to the art store

My wife likes to paint things. She's a much better artist than I'll ever be, and I like that the walls of our house get free custom artwork. Every once in a while artists have to go to art stores to get supplies, such as canvases and paints and brushes. We have a great art store about 5 miles from our house that offers crazy good deals on canvases and a selection of paint colors that would make the snobby little kid from your 4th grade class, who was so proud of his box of 96 Crayola crayons, speechless. This weekend was cause for one of those trips to Jerry's Art Store.

Now, when Steph goes to the art store I usually go with her. My self-appointed job on these trips is to manage expectations. I have but one goal when we go to Jerry's: To get in, and get out, as fast as humanly possible... otherwise, I will get a call from my bank the next day asking why I have charged $14,000 in paints and brushes to my account.

So we went to the art store Saturday. I did a quick scan of the store - there was a children's painting class taking up one whole corner of the building, blocking the Easel display. Good, one less area to worry about. I felt comfortable leaving the Papers section unattended - Steph was on a painting trip and trying to finish a project for some friends... drawing was not top of mind. I knew she needed a couple paint based markers, so I escorted her in that direction for a quick drop off while I headed to the Acrylics Paint section. I knew if I could somehow coral five or six shoppers into Acrylics, that would be enough commotion to make Steph want to skip that area.

I quietly pushed a shopping cart over to block one end of the Acrylics aisle and then spread a rumor amongst other shoppers of a "5-for-1 acrylics paint sale". That seemed to cause the desired result and I ran back to find Steph, who by now had long ago left the paint markers. I raced down to Brushes And Knives to find her holding a 4-inch wide albino Qinling Panda-hair paint brush in her hand, eying it like Gollum at Mount Doom, with a $75.99 price tag dangling daintily from the handle. Frantic, I grabbed her arm and gently turned her towards some modestly priced palette knives while easing the Panda-haired brush from her grip. In disbelief I glanced down at a shopping basket she had acquired sometime in the last five minutes, half full of items not on our shopping list.

I can sense I am beginning to lose control. I plant an idea in Steph's mind that we "should go look at the art books" over in the Books And Manuals section. This is always a safe bet, because while books tend to be more expensive items, she will rarely buy one and instead thumb through the pictures looking for future ideas. She gives in and I escort her away from Brushes, while suggesting to her that I go scout out vacancy at the checkout counter. I cannot deal with a line at this point. If we have to stand in line at checkout, she's likely to wander back into Acrylics, and then there will be no hope. We have to walk right up to the cashier, lay down the cash, and get out of there before she has a chance to take in the counter displays.

The checkout line looks good. A beret capped 40-something is just finishing up his purchase, so now is the time to move in. I give the "I'll be 1 second" gesture to the cashier, who acknowledges me from across the store. I head back to Books to find Steph... who is not there.... Oh good moogly googly, where could she possibly have gone? A feeling of dread overwhelms me as the truth begins to sink in...

Canvases.

Canvases is the black hole of Jerry's Art Store. It's seven solid aisles of nothing but stretched white linen. Sheets of canvas as large as pool tables. The walls are made of canvas in Canvases. It's a maze designed to trap you in, and never let you go, until you have convinced yourself that, "Why yes, certainly I can take home this 7-foot x 13-foot monstrosity of wood and double-primed acid-free linen and conceive upon it a work worthy of Michelangelo's praise and adulation!" No one ever returns from Canvases.

I hear rustling. "What do you think about this one?" a familiar voice calls out. "What one?" I respond, "Where are you?" I see movement in the far back corner. "I'm right here... I think this one would look good on our living room wall!" A canvas starts to move towards me - yes, move towards me - as though self propelled. Suddenly Steph pops out from behind the 9-foot tall 'potential of art', peering up at a canvas which is twice as tall as her. "Maybe it would go better in the stairway where the ceilings are taller," she counters to herself.

I sigh, and select a more unassuming 2-foot by 2-foot canvas and suggest, "You know, I've always wanted something to go on that blank wall in the kitchen. Perhaps you could do something with this?"

I hand it to over, which distracts her long enough for me to guide her out of Canvases and towards the front of the store, where a line has developed at the cash register. Great. We stand there while Patricia and her four kids stock up on enough water colors to keep them busy for the rest of the summer. "You know, I've been wanting one of these," says Steph grabbing an Artist's Color Wheel from the counter display. "It will help me match colors." The name of the game is now called appeasement. "Fine," I say as I hand the cashier my check card and start emptying items out onto the counter.

---

Of course a trip to the art store with Steph is really nothing like that. The Canvas section is only five aisles wide. Ok, seriously, Steph does love her trips to the art store, which makes me laugh, but it's nothing like that. Samples of her series that she is painting for a local church to be featured here soon.

it's a horse!

Steph works at a horse hospital where she's basically an equine surgical assistant or, as Brian says, an "equinarian".

I came across this the other day, courtesy of GraphJam, and thought it was hilarious. I can just imagine Steph and her boss posting this in their treatment area and begin diagnosing cases based on this chart:

(click the image to enlarge...)

10 states in 10 days

Well, we're back, and wow, what a trip. I look forward to spending a few posts to 'unpack' the trip, especially the backpacking portion. But to kick things off I thought it would be fun to start simply with a cartographic representation of our trip. This will go to great lengths to demonstrate just how nerdy I am.

10 states in 10 days was accomplished by leaving Nashville and heading north towards Kentucky, then Illinois, Missouri, Kansas and Colorado. We changed things up a bit for the return trip and visited some new states, starting with New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and finally back home to Tennessee.

Anyways, check out this handy dandy Google map I made of our trip. You can see our route, and you can also click on the place-markers to see some comments and pictures.

steph bought me a goat for my birthday

My birthday was Monday. I meant to write this Tuesday, but I was busy, as was Wednesday and Thursday. Here we are on Friday, so now here is my update four days late.

Birthday was good. Friends took me to lunch at a favorite lunch stop - the Chile Burrito... authentic TexMex on a budget. Gotta love that.

Then later that evening Steph took me to the Genghis Grill, which is always a thrill. Get to pile a bunch of stuff into a little bowl and then watch the guys cook it on a big circular stone grill. Awesome.

Then Steph gave me my birthday present, which was really exciting. We've been wrestling with this for a few years... now that we're married, going out and getting a birthday present, using dollars that we both worked for seems silly sometimes so we're trying something new out. Instead of splurging on some gift that we don't necessarily need, we're going to help some other people out with our money.

So Steph got me a goat through World Vision. They offer a cool program where you can purchase actual tangible items - like a cow, or a well, or malaria vaccines - and they go directly to help people in need. So that's what I get to do this weekend - go buy a goat for a family so they can provide themselves with fresh milk and cheese. Cool huh?

gedney: the minnesota pickle

We went home to Minnesota this weekend for the wedding of our good friend James. Great wedding, great to see old friends.

I imagine everyone has those things that make home, home. And hence the ridonkulously large jar of dill pickles. We grew up eating Gedney Pickles. They're Minnesota grown and jarred in Chaska, MN, and their slogan is "the Minnesota pickle", so we're loyal to them. They taste great too!

Steph has an obsession with dill pickles - no she's not pregnant - so my family was nice enough to take us to Sam's Club and buy us this goofishly big bottle. I don't know if you can tell or not from the picture, but that's a full gallon there - a nearly 12 inch tall bottle! I'm sure it seems odd, but having a bottle of dill pickles grown in your home state on hand is one of those nice things that gives a sense of home when you live miles away.

Of course, now that I'm looking at the bottle, I see it says "Refrigerate After Opening". We may need to buy an additional mini-fridge to accommodate.

anybody want a tic tac?

My wife has new blog - check it out at tictacsteph.blogspot.com!

pillow talk

Sometimes when husbands accidently half-wake up their wives from their sleep in the middle of the night, comedy ensues. Such was the case last night...

It was 1AM, and Steph had been sleeping for a couple hours. I couldn't fall asleep, and must have bumped her and she kind of startled awake from a dream or something. As she was falling back to sleep, this is the "conversation" that took place:

Steph (in a groggy, I'm not at all awake sort of voice): "You have to take the horse up and back into there and back...."
Me: "What?"
Steph: "You have to take the horse for and to the back to be up and in the stall....."
Me (in a, this should be good entertainment sort of voice): "What's wrong with the horse?"
Steph: "He's really skinny"
Me: "He's skinny?"
Steph: "The horsey is really skinny"
Me: "Why is the horsey skinny?"
Steph: "Because no one is feeding the horsey"
Me: "They're not - why aren't they feeding the horsey?"
Steph: "I don't know...."
Me: "Does the skinny horsey have a name?"
Steph: "No...."
Me: "Why not?"
Steph: "I don't know"
Me: "You should name the horsey"
Steph: "Huh?"
Me: "Why don't you name the horsey?"
Steph (in a fully alert, realizing she has just been having a ridiculous conversation sort of voice): "YOU'RE NOT A VERY NICE PERSON YOU KNOW THAT!!"

Ah, such good fun....

fresh young turkey

This is our Thanksgiving turkey! We chose him last night:



We're really excited!!

anniversary weekend recap

So we made it two years! Celebrated our annivesary this weekend in Charleston / Savannah. It was good times and we had a lot fun. This is a week late, and this is probably much too long for a blog, but here's a recap:

To start, somehow Steph and I have this uncanny ability to enter every city we visit via the ghetto. I'm not sure how this happens, or how we continue to put ourselves in danger like this... we're gonna get mugged someday for sure. St. Louis, New Orleans, Tuscaloosa, Pensacola, Columbus, St. Louis, Atlanta - Steph and I can give you narrated tours of the ghetto in each of these fine American cities. This trip was no exception - add Charleston, Savannah, and the 'burbs of Atlanta to the list.

THURSDAY:
We drove to Conyers, GA, just outside of Atlanta, simply to spend the night and get us halfway to Charleston. Let me tell you - Conyers, GA, yeah, ghetto. Hotel in Conyers, GA? Ghetto. But we're really cheap and we shouldn't have expected anything else when paying $36 for a night.

FRIDAY:
Drove to Charleston. Checked into hotel in North Charleston. North Charleston = ghetto. North Charleston is definitely the armpit of South Carolina - the stench emanating from the area around our hotel was both incredible and mind boggling. We pinpointed 3 distinct smells, each of which ranked near the top of the list of "worst smells ever in the world". So we didn't spend too much time at the hotel and got ourselves down to Charleston.

Wow. Charleston, amazing city. Vintage and beautiful. Really cool downtown, and very active even at night. I loved the fact that the main streets of town were essentially like a shopping mall turned inside out... you entered all of your typical "mall" stores (Bananna, J-Crew, Pottery Barn, etc.) from the street, so you didn't have to spend half your day walking around stale mall halls with flourescent lights... rather, you spend it walking around the streets of beautiful Charleston.

The Battery was really cool, and the houses just amazing. Really neat park at the end of the penninsula with the old Civil War cannons.

SATURDAY:
Spent it wandering around Charleston, just relaxing. Went over to Fort Moultrie in the afternoon, a fort used in both the Revolutionary and Civil Wars. Saw the ocean there, and then drove a little bit farther to an actual beach and watched the ocean for a bit.

Supper was at Joe's Pasta back in Charleston... relatively unmemorable, except for the fact that we had the most forgetful waitress ever... how ironic. Then we spent a relaxing evening at a Starbucks that was converted from an old bank building (large vault included).

SUNDAY:
Started things off with a very enjoyable breakfast with our good friends Brad and Joy Pitner at the Charleston Cafe (best stuffed french toast ever). Brad and Joy used to work at Gotee and moved to Charleston to start a kitchen store called The Coastal Cupboard, which is definitely the funnest kitchen store we have ever been to. They've got a great (and unique) thing going - I've never seen so many choices for spatulas - and we're very proud of how well they are doing. They were kind enough to provide us with a few tasty treats for the road - they were great, thanks guys!

Post Coastal Cupboard we headed on down to Savannah and spent the afternoon downtown hanging out under some really cool (what I think are) Cypress Trees, walking amongst really old moss covered buildings. Another fascinating, historic city. Did you know John Wesley, founder of the Methodist denomination, got his start in America in Savannah? Niether did I. Do you care? Unlikely.

We spent the afternoon at Tybee Island, on the coast again and saw a cool lighthouse and took some pictures on the beach. Apparently the Air Force lost a nuclear bomb off the coast of Tybee in 1958 and never found it. Oops. We ended the evening with a fantastic dinner at Pearl's Saltwater Grille back in Savannah, which included a marvelous tuna steak for me and the BEST hushpuppies I have ever had in my entire life. Before we left I had the waiter fill up a to-go box with all the hushpuppies he could find and I've been eating them for the last week.

So that's the trip. We drove back Monday, narrowly escaped rush hour in Atlanta, and got home just in time to go to bed. Don't stay in Conyers, GA. Happy Anniversary to us!

colorado in seven easy steps

A week after returning from the fantastic state of Colorado, it’s time for a quick blog update. There’s no way to sum up even a short trip to Colorado concisely and effectively… here are some highlights:

It’s impossible to quickly find a place to eat in Denver from the interstate, especially if you’re starving. It took us 30 minutes, but we happened upon this little joint called Rico’s Pizzeria… little hole-in-the-wall shop, family owned by Italians, seating for 12, best calzone I’ve ever eaten. I don’t even know how we got there. But I’m going back next time I’m in the area. www.ricos-pizzeria.com.

If you intend to spend any time in the mountains, spend the extra dollars and get the upgrade to a Jeep (or similar 4WD vehicle). Originally we planned on getting a mid-size car, but then they ran out of mid-size cars and were about to stick us with a minivan… (I don’t know, don’t ask). We weren’t about to be caught dead in a minivan. Get the Jeep, it was an amazingly wise choice.

We love the mountains, so immediately upon arriving (and consuming a calzone), we headed straight into the mountains. Random advice nugget #2 – get the backroads atlas, and use it diligently. Never take the interstates up into the mountains, because that is for boring old people and families in minivans. If you’ve done like I’ve recommended and gotten the Jeep it will be no problem. We went up Jarre Canyon Road, west out of Denver into the front range of mountains between Colorado Springs and Denver. It was snowing. It was exciting. Minivans had to turn back.

Wives appreciate sentimental things, so we stayed in the mountain lodge where we spent our honeymoon. It was very nice, and made us think, “wow, we should run a lodge up in the mountains someday”. Wives also appreciate bathrooms with big huge whirlpool bathtubs.

When looking for something to do, grab your trusty backroad atlas, randomly pick a spot somewhere off the beaten path, and try to find it. You’ll need the 4WD you rented.

Pikes Peak… I’m not very happy with you Pikes Peak. I understand that it snowed 8 inches on top of your mountain and that for safety reasons you had to close down your road for those who unwisely chose to visit you from the comfort of their suburban housewife approved minivans. But come on – we have a Jeep!! Sadness. We went halfway up but were forced by rangers with guns to turn around.

The reason we went to Colorado in the first place was because we went to Sara’s wedding. It was a very nice wedding Sara – thank you for inviting us! We’re very happy for you.

Colorado weekend a success. Points to remember: Rent a Jeep. Buy a road atlas. Stop at Rico’s Pizzeria.

all up in my grill

For our first year anniversary my parents got us a new grill – a real grill! Far different from the little camping grill we were using before that we had to haul out of the storage closet and prop up on cinder blocks while cooking – the one that burned through a little canister of propane after about 17 minutes of use. But my friend Dave gave that little thing to us for our wedding, and it served us well, so thank you Dave.

Apparently the “giving of the grill” is a family tradition. My grandparents bought my parents a grill for their 1st year anniversary. My dad had to put the thing together himself, and in my dad’s words he’s “still trying to find a way to get him back”. So that’s the predicament we have been in for the last two weeks… we’ve had grill parts strewn around the house, and we’ve been living in fear having heard horror stories from others who have attempted to assemble a grill in the past. We’ve received numerous warnings from various people encouraging us to avoid this endeavor at all costs. My mom even begged us to call the people at Sears, saying that they would probably be willing to come out and set it up for us. Goodness.

So this morning I decided to take on the challenge. I got plenty of rest last night, had eaten my Cheerios, put the Nebraska-Missouri game on – figured I was good to go. Now, where’s the instructions…?

In all seriousness the assembly went quite well. I imagine the grill companies have greatly improved their instructions on how to put grills together in recent years, following many irate customer service calls and bomb threats I’m sure. The hardest part was keeping Linus from eating the Styrofoam packaging and suffocating himself on the plastic wrapping. There were a couple moments that needed a sledgehammer, but I made Steph do that part. All I have to do now is go out and get a propane tank, which is probably where it will all fall apart for me… I’ll surely burn down the woods behind our house.

So, that’s done. There’s some pictures below of the assembly for those that care.

Oh, and Nebraska won! Sorry Melissa… kinda.